Notes on Vipassana/silent meditation

Here are some excerpts from my contraband journal.

Day 0
5:10 p.m.
Wednesday, June 27
Kaufman, TX
Southwest Vipassana Center, Room 48
Thunder rolls off in the distance. Already I am breaking the rules by writing. There's no dinner here, just tea and fruit at 5:00 each day. Maybe I'll lose weight. It will surely be an interesting experience, to say the least.

Day 1
11:50 a.m.
This morning's practice has been calm and pleasant for the most part. Easier than I expected. The contents of the mind are so fleeting. This meditation style is like zen with eyes closed. It suits me very well so far. Afternoon storms are rolling in slowly. I am often drawn to think about the future – the next hour as well as post-Day 10. But then I gently come back to now.

Day 2
June 29, 1:13 p.m.
I am struggling with the pain in the back of my neck. It comes and goes. It radiates all through the back of my head. Not eating dinner wasn't so bad yesterday. The teacher, S.N. Goenka, always says, "Pay close attention to your own respiration," but with his Indian accent it sounds like "desperation."

Day 3
June 30, 12:06 p.m.
My body is adjusting to this crazy schedule. I am not feeling quite as tired during the day, even though I slept fitfully through the night, awoken by my need to pee and searing neck pain. Today I learned the difference between lovingkindness – wishing all beings happiness, health, safety and freedom – and compassion – wishing all beings to be free from suffering. During meditation I was wandering into the past and I re-re-realized I Cannot Have Sex Outside of a Relationship! Simple as that. Why do I have to keep re-learning this lesson? I always think, this'll be the last time, but it never is. Well, I'm 27 now and have nine years of sex under my belt. Maybe this time it will really sink in.
P.S. Sometimes I feel like shouting in the silent dining room or meditation hall, "SERENITY NOW!"

Day 4
Sunday, July 1, 11:50 a.m.
It has rained every day since I arrived and it's raining now. Yesterday afternoon I pushed it way too much with yoga. My neck was not pleased. For a little while, I had myself convinced that I have a cancerous brain tumor, therefore I need to leave and go get a CAT scan -- Stat! The power of the mind is amazing. Lightning and thunder ~ this is an awesome storm. I think I am going to make it the whole ten days.

Day 5
July 2, 10:33 a.m.
I have been assigned a "cell" in the pagoda from today thru day 7. It's a small closet to sit and meditate in, which I did this morning for 90 minutes after "sleeping in" until 4:44 a.m. I allowed the extra rest because I woke up several times last night with pain after having trouble falling asleep. ~ Halfway there! I am at the summit!

11:42 a.m. Yesterday afternoon I started crying suddenly upon seeing a rabbit when I was walking down the path. It was weird, but it felt good to release. Its little eyes reminded me of Lucy and made me miss her. It was immediately after the Vipassana instruction, which at this stage is all about moving slowly over every part of the body from head to feet and feeling all sensations with great equanimity. It's kind of similar to Yoga Nidra, only sitting up and with a lot more pain. I signed up to meet with the teacher at noon for the first time. I want to tell her about my neck/head pain. I just want to be reassured that it's normal and okay.

5:40 p.m. Unexpected breakthrough this afternoon. I broke down in tears while talking with the teacher. After I left the hall, it was raining hard and I walked back to my room barefoot, sans umbrella, sobbing out loud. My pain-in-the-neck subsided during my p.m. meditations, shower and delightful nap but has returned. I am trying not to have aversion to it, to just let it run its course. The bell has just sounded beckoning us back to the hall for the 6:00 sit. Last time (at 2:30), I made it about 50 minutes without moving. I'll surely hit the one-hour mark soon.

Day 6
7-3-2007, 10:10 a.m.
I sat without moving for one hour in the pagoda this morning, from 4:30-5:30 a.m.!

11:52 a.m. Note to self: don't eat prunes during a silent retreat. My 1/2 hour sit before lunch was plagued by incessant rumblings from my abdomen. I tried to cultivate equanimity but I ended up often distracted and then waiting, waiting, waiting for the lunch bell to chime. And then lunch was split pea soup – gross! But it was okay. And there were oatmeal cookies to make up for it.

4:04 p.m. Is there such a thing as too much meditation? No, but there is such as thing as TOO MUCH SITTING! So maybe by reading and writing everyday I am not getting as much out of the course as I could, but if I stuck to all the hours of meditation they expect on the schedule, I'd go absolutely crazy. Eight hours of prescribed sitting per day is ridiculous. I am so SICK of scanning my body from head to toes, from toes to head. Back and forth and back and forth, usually with a wandering mind. This is natural I know, and I realize it will soon pass. I'm not really entertaining the idea of leaving like I did before. But seriously, when are we going to move on? I am just BURNT OUT. I guess if I feel this way tonight after the dharma talk, I should go to the teacher and ask how to handle it. Meanwhile it's 4:16 p.m. and I'm wishing I had a joint, some chocolate ice cream, my laptop, a friend to talk with, and my dog. But, no. I'll rest and read, go have tea and an apple, walk some, maybe do a little yoga before another hour of "strong determination" sitting without opening the eyes or moving the hands or feet. I'm not going to feel guilty for not sticking to their strict regiment. I am still meditating for many hours a day and maintaining silence, not checking my voicemails nor sneaking out to my car for a pop song, nor a granola bar, nor to drive rapidly away.

9:15 p.m. This afternoon I decided that tonight I would sneak out to my car to check my messages and send a text to loved ones. I started to go a little nuts around 5 or 6 p.m. After tea, on my walk, I stealthily strolled past the "Course Boundary" sign and to the parking lot to plot my path for tonight. I saw that same rabbit from the other day. I'm pretty sure it was the same one because it's large and gawky. No one was around, so I started talking to it. "Hey, Bunny! How are you? Do you have my car keys? That'd be so cool!" Idiot. But I crack myself up. Talking to a bunny, the first words I'd spoken in 6 days. Then Bunny hopped on over to the parking lot and sat and stared right at my car. Come on now, that's gotta be a sign. Five minutes until my big covert operation. Is this ridiculous or what?!

Day 7!
7:11 a.m.
Mission accomplished last night. Only a frog crossed my path. This morning I was tired and headachy and dragged myself to the pagoda at 5 a.m. I signed up to meet with the teacher at noon again today. I don't have a specific question at the moment, I just feel the need to TALK to somebody. I feel like I am going a little crazy. Cycling pretty rapidly through emotions… sadness, happiness, curiosity, regret, humor, seriousness, etc etc.

10:40 a.m., the 4th of July
Well, I've planned out my whole wedding… now I just need to find the man and get engaged. Okay, not really but that's how much I feel my mind is wandering today. Past, future, anything but the present moment. What am I avoiding? It's Independence Day. A day to celebrate liberation. Yet I feel so shackled by my overactive cerebrum. Ultimately I know I am on the right path for me. I see the suffering, the impermanence, the craving and aversion. I see the way out. Not to experience it from moment to moment, moment to moment.

Kaufman, TX, 07/04/07, 10:53 a.m.
It has seriously rained every day here, for 8 days at least. This much precipitation, in Texas, in June/July, is bizarre, appreciated, healing, rare, special, unsettling.

4:10 p.m.
The cloud the hung over me seems to have passed. I took a napper at 1:30 and woke up feeling much better. I had a "good" sit from 2:30-3:30 during which I was actually able to pass through the body several times, without too too much mental noise. ~ For the past few days, I've read a book called Open Mind, Open Heart by Thomas Keating, a Trappist (Catholic) monk from Colorado. He developed a method called Centering Prayer which is basically meditation within the Christian framework. I liked the book, though not surprisingly I disagreed with some of it. I do think it's important for Christians to meditate, but I think it's important for everyone to meditate. If "Jesus in His divinity is the source of contemplation" for someone, and that works for them, great! Matthew 6:6 says, "If you want to pray, enter your room, shut the door, and pray to your Father who is in secret and your father who sees in secret, will reward you." Like most Biblical text, the verbiage doesn't jive with me. But the concept is there… I think. Centering/contemplative prayer is consenting and surrendering to God as meditation is consenting and surrendering to the Dharma in Buddhism. I gravitate more toward the non-sectarian, non-dogmatic, Eastern viewpoint, but that's just me. Still, my mom would be proud to know I read this book.

DAY EIGHT
8!
8 is great
5 July 2007, 7:07 a.m.
It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. I tried everything… reading, writing, relaxation, child's pose, left nostril breathing, counting sheep. Thankfully I had an equanimous mind more or less all the while, so even though I only slept from about 1-5 a.m., I feel well rested right now.

10:40 a.m.
I am a little restless, but my equanimity is getting much, much better. We have 48 more hours of Noble Silence. On day 10, we will begin "Noble chattering," as Goenka called it last night. His discourses are so funny and well organized. He always tells good stories about India, both in his day and in the time of Gautama the Buddha. He exudes wisdom, compassion and lovingkindness. The DVDs that we watch each night were recorded in 1991, when he was 67. So now he's 85-86. Anita, our assistant teacher, told me yesterday that he is still alive but his health is not very good. ~ I am looking forward to getting home but am also feeling more content in the present moment all the time.

1:29 p.m.
Three more nights! I cannot seem to bring myself to meditate. Clearly. 45 minutes until the next group sitting. I will rest and read the Bhagavad Gita until then. There's no use in beating myself up for not having diligence and continuous practice. I am sure I'm still getting the benefit out of this course. Of course!

4:25 p.m.
I realized in meditation that my 30th birthday on May 30, 2010, will fall on a Saturday. So I started planning the party. How's that for getting lost in the future? ~ One thing Vipassana really does is put you in touch with your bowels and how your food intake affects your body and mind. I think I'll be a much stronger vegetarian now. And I probably won't drink alcohol or smoke a cigarette for quite some time. Maybe not pot either. I hope not. I hope the days of addiction are behind me. ~ Tomorrow, Friday, Day 9, is the last day of serious work. I will not write or read tomorrow, and certainly will not get out my phone. I can make that vow. On the last day. I will meditate until I reach full liberation, or until my legs fall off. If I "must," I will only read the Gita. That is all.

9:23 p.m.
Thanks be to the dhamma. After an excellent discourse tonight, I feel so balanced, so equanimous. My afternoon was fraught with emotion and so I went into the six o'clock sitting unable to focus on the technique as Goenka instructed. Instead I went through my chakras from root to crown. I was still feeling sensations but also creating some sankharas [reactions] of guilt for not doing as he said. Then the dhamma talk was all about practicing the technique properly, otherwise it's a waste. The two wings of the bird of dhamma are (you guessed it) awareness of sensations and EQUANIMITY. By the end of the discourse he had dispelled my anxieties completely. I know that this technique, this getting to the root level of the mind's impurities via body sensation, will empower my hatha yoga practice and teaching immeasurably. I know that I am on the right path and I believe that I can practice intelligently and correctly to eliminate aversion and craving. I take refuge in that.

Day 9
Dia IX
El 6 de Julio de 2007 a las 10:20 de la noche
Well, I made it through the day (until now) without reading or writing or turning my phone one.

DAY TEN!!!!!!!!!!!
07/07/07
6:02 a.m.
I am just brimming with excitement and restlessness. I woke up at 4 this morning, brushed by teeth and went back to bed until 5. I am eager to get home.

It would be silly and impossible to verbally express the transformations in my body/mind/spirit these past ten days, but of course I'll do my best. First of all, ten days Is a long time. Three of the longest 10-day periods in my life have been spent: at Austin State Hospital (16-28 April 2005), fasting with the master cleanse (9-19 January 2006), and here. This one is, by far, the best. Perhaps the most difficult as well.

I've come to understand at a very deep, experiental level the truth of the Dharma ~ the teachings of Buddha ~ the teachings of Jesus ~ the fact that yoga is Yoga is yoga, and Yoga is Meditation and meditation is yoga. Everything, 100%, of what happens to me, is a result of what is going on within the framework of my body. Full liberation is possible within this lifetime. Suffering is inevitable and is caused simply by the multiplication of the attachment/craving and the aversion/hatred which are automatic responses of the habit-pattern of the conditioned human mind. There is a way out of suffering which is available to everyone. That is, to develop true, authentic equanimity of the mind, so that you are never swayed by ephemeral sensations, perceptions, thoughts or events. The path is there, open, ready. It is not an easy hike, not at all. You open up to so, so much suffering and so much pleasure along the way. But that is exactly, exactly how it is meant to be. AMEN!

yoga freedom. feel free. (c) 2007. All rights reserved worldwide.