Tax Day

April 15, 2006

"The basic question is whether or not our feelings of love are steady and consistent regardless of the various changing behaviors of those we "love". In each case where we perceive our heart closing, we need to discover what we fear in that situation. What might we believe is in danger? Most frequently we lose our love when we fear that our security, self-worth, freedom or pleasure are in danger. Only when we have realized total inner security, perhaps based on an inner spiritual awakening or on our faith in the Divine, will we be able to love without security attachments.

Only when we know that we can live without others can we really love them steadily."
- Shri Shri Thakur Anukulchanda, Radhaswami Master

Does distress and despair, melancholy, and madness come from God?
Does pleasure and prosperity, joy, and reason come from God?
Was the human form, in all its beauty, designed by God?
Does God give each person a distinct character and appearance?
Does got give men and women the ability to think?
Does God give human beings the urge to worship?
Does God plant the motions of truth and untruth in the human mind?
Does God decide when human beings should die?
Does God offer the hope of immortality?
-Atharva Veda

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It's raining and pouring in here. Outside, the sky is blanketed with clouds, but the ground is dry.

When it pours, you have options. You can fix the leak, or collect the water in pots and bowls. Or, you can surrender to the flood. Or, you can relocate to a drier place.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. All I can seem to do for the moment is cry, and feel the raw sadness of heartbreak. Plus confusion. Doubts, anxieties, habitual negativities. Love lost trumps job.

I wonder how different things would have been if I had meditated more. Useless train of thought though, the only thing to do now is refocus. Start where you are. Meditate! You have to. It's mandatory.

No time like the present to drop the past and create the future. I could go either way here. I teeter between sinking ever deeper (just when I thought yesterday was rock bottom) and plunging forward, overcoming obstacles, centering, living intentionally.

On this second anniversary of the dark, blurry day I was hauled off to the state hospital, I am definitely in touch with my emotions. I am identified with them too. I struggle and suffer from time to time but I know I have come a long way. I have these tools available to me which I have neglected so badly lately. It'd be crazy not to pick them up. Something as basic as sitting still, breathing and noticing thoughts is so transformative, so essential, so medicinal.

Maybe I should go to therapy.

yoga freedom. feel free. (c) 2007. All rights reserved worldwide.